June 28, 2009

Re: Don't Even Reply:

VIA Today On The Interwebs

Don't Even Reply is a website by a prick who messes with people and then posts the results online.  According to John, the prick: "This is a collection of e-mails I have sent to people who post classified ads. My goal is to mess with them, confuse them, and/or piss them off. These are the ones that succeeded." He explains further:
Why don't they just ignore you?
Most of them do. I'd say only 10% of people I write to write back.

What is with all the different names you use?
They are all me, just different e-mail accounts.

HEY! I recognize myself in one of these e-mails, you prick!
No you don't. You're wrong. Go away.

Why are a lot of these e-mails sexist?
It seems to piss the women off more. I'm not really sexist or racist, but I still find it hilarious.

How can I contact you?
Put up a classified ad, and try to sound like an idiot. I'll find you.

No seriously. I want to give you money.
In that case, john@dontevenreply.com. I'll try to respond, but I do get a lot of e-mails so don't think I am a jerk if I don't."

And here are some samples, enjoy! 

Original ad: 

litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.

From Mike Hunt to *********@***********.org 
I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them? 

From Shannon ******* to Me 
Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them? 

From Mike Hunt to Shannon ******* 
To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him. 

From Shannon ******* to Me 
That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious. 
From Mike Hunt to Shannon ******* 

I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger. 

From Shannon ******* to Me 

And a second:
"Original ad:
if anyone wants a ride from baltimore to nyc tomorow let me know! i am driving up there sometime tomorow afternoon and would be glad to help someone out if they want to throw up some money for gas. i drive a hybrid, so i wont need much!
From Mike Partlow to *************@*********.org

I do need a ride to New York tomorrow. That would be great. My only concern is the fact that you drive a hybrid car. I don't want to give people the idea that I care about the environment. Do you have another, more manly car that we could ride up in? I really don't want to be seen in a hybrid. I'll gladly compensate you for gas.

From christine ********* to Me
no all i have is my hybrid. what is the big deal, who cares what people think? u should be glad to help the enviroment!

From Mike Partlow to christine **********
I'm sorry Christine but it isn't the 60's anymore. People aren't a bunch of earth-saving hippies that run around and hug trees anymore. Does your car have tinted windows? I really don't want to be seen riding in that bitch-mobile. My only request is that you stop by a lake somewhere so I can dump a can of motor oil in it, to make up for all of the earth that your car will be saving. Don't worry, I'll pay for the motor oil.

From christine ********* to Me
wtf is wrong with u! im not giving u a ride ur a jerk!!!

From Mike Partlow to christine **********
Well I am sorry you won't have the privilege of riding with me. Fortunately for me, I found a better, more badass ride to NYC. I'll be sure to wave at your crappy little hybrid as we pass you in our F-350, spraying cans of aerosol out the window and throwing empty six-pack holders into the sea.

June 22, 2009

Brown Sugar Bacon Waffles:


A pool of maple syrup, into which I will plunge.

A pool of maple syrup, into which I will plunge.

Brown Sugar Bacon Waffles.

Do I have your attention yet? Yes, that’s right, I said waffles, and bacon, and brown sugar, and ohmygod! So back when I lived in North Carolina, there was a popular breakfast joint in my town named Elmo’s Diner. On their large menu of breakfasty-goodness there was one item that never failed to take my breath away – the bacon-waffle. Just finishing one of these monstrosities of deliciousness was a difficult task, once properly slathered with butter and real maple syrup. Yes, my friends, it is a heart attack on a platter, an untimely (but scrumptious!) early death just waiting to happen… and I loved him. It was a love that dare not speak its name – the kind of guilty pleasure indulgence food straight from the fatty-food-lovin’-Paula-Deen-butter-guzzlin’-southern-nation. You try and hate on it, but in the end you just can’t… because you’re too full.

Since moving away, there have been many things I’ve missed, and that bacon waffle is one of them. Since recently purchasing a Belgian-waffle iron, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of recreating this masterpiece. My first attempt was okay – decent tasting waffle (if a bit heavy), and delicious bacon crumbles. It definitely satisfied, but it wasn’t the kind of gluttonous, beautiful meal I remembered. So what do I usually do in the face of such a challenge? Go to the interwebz, of course! A bunch of googling later, I had some contender recipes, but none that really called to me with the promise of that long lost waffle of love. Until I found this one. The title, the pictures… I was sold. “I must make these,” I said, “and they will be awesome.”

Next step? Tracking down the best possible bacon available for this noble enterprise. I recently discovered a little butcher shop down the street from my work that puts out some of the best meat products I’ve seen in years. On splurge-nights, the boy toy and I get ourselves a big honkin’ rib eye (I’m talkin’ the couple-inches-thick kind) and proceed to have a steak better than a lot of restaurants I’ve been to recently. Their smoked products are out of this freakin’ world, and I was overwhelmed with joy upon finding they offered bacon in both hickory and apple wood smoked varieties. I scurried home with a pound of some of the most beautiful, thick-cut bacon I’ve ever had the pleasure to own or eat (hickory, in this instance).

Homer Simpson voice: "Mmmmmmm... bacon!"

Homer Simpson voice: "Mmmmmmm... bacon!"

What intrigued/thrilled me the most about this particular bacon-waffle recipe was the semi-candying of the bacon itself under a veil of brown sugar. It seemed, to the imaginary taste buds in my head, to be a great way to incorporate that sweet-salty-meaty-hot combo I love so dearly. So, like any recipe I stumble across, I made a few adjustments and plunged right in:

Brown Sugar Bacon Waffles

(adapted from Joy the Baker)

Step One: cut a hole in the box… um, er, I mean prepare the candied bacon!

The original recipe says to use 10 slices of bacon – which I did – but mine were so thick and luscious, I had to make a few adjustments in the baking time. My 10 slices were just shy of a whole pound, but ymmv depending on the brand and thickness of your bacon.

Lay your bacon out in a baking pan of some sort, with a tall enough edge to contain all the fat that will render off without splashing when moved. In order to fit in my pan I had to overlap the pieces a bit – this is okay. Sprinkle the top of your bacon layer generously with the following mixture:

  • 1/4 cup brown sugar

  • 1/8 tsp. onion powder

  • 1/8 tsp. garlic powder

  • 1/8 tsp. smoked paprika

  • fresh ground pepper (to taste)

I only bake with the prettiest possible spices.

I only bake with the prettiest possible spices.



My bacon sparkles in the sunlight.

My bacon sparkles in the sunlight.

Bake this lovely concoction in a preheated 375-degree oven for 20-30 minutes, again based on the thickness of your bacon. Mine took 30 minutes, while the original recipe called for only 20. I suggest checking it at 20 minutes and adding more time as necessary. You want the bacon to look crisp but not burned. Immediately transfer out of the greasy sugar sludge with tongs to a cutting board to cool (don’t use paper towels for draining – the bacon will stick!). Once cool, chop it into happy bits of a size amenable to the chef (too big and they will make your waffle iron difficult to close, so be wary). Make sure to eat a few to make sure that they are okay… then a few more… oh crap, remember to save some for the waffles!

Bacon candy! *drool*

Bacon candy! *drool*

Now the waffle batter!

  • 2 3/4 c. all-purpose flour

  • 1/4 c. cornstarch

  • 1 tbsp. baking powder

  • 1 tsp. baking soda

  • 1 tsp. salt

  • 1/4 cup brown sugar

  • 1/2 cup canola oil

  • 4 large eggs

  • 2 tsp. vanilla extract

  • 2 1/2 cups buttermilk (I use 6 tbsp. buttermilk powder + water)

In a large bowl combine flour, cornstarch, baking powder, baking soda, salt and brown sugar (if using powdered buttermilk substitute, add it here to the dry ingredients).  Whisk to blend.  In a  medium bowl, whisk together eggs, oil, buttermilk (or water, if using powdered buttermilk) and vanilla extract.  Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and fold.  Once almost fully incorporated, add the bacon bites.  Stir.  Try not to over mix the batter or the waffles will become tough.  It’s ok if a few lumps remain in the batter.

Cook according to your waffle machine instructions. Generally, you should watch the steam coming off of your iron – when it starts to slow down or stop, your waffle is probably ready. It can take a while to get through all the batter – I made at least 8 Belgian-waffle sized lovelies from my batch (hard to count when they keep getting eaten). What should you do to pass the time while your waffles are cooking? Well, if you’re me, you start eating waffles! And drink beer, that’s always a good choice (it pairs very nicely with both waffles and pancakes, I’ve found). In desperate times, get out a laser-pointer and make your cat run in circles around the kitchen floor. That’s always good for a laugh! Next thing you know, your waffle will be done!

Hot, steamy waffles!

Hot, steamy waffles!

One of these days she'll catch that damn laser spot!

One of these days she'll catch that damn laser spot!

Behold! The first bacon waffle! (and there was much rejoicing)

Behold! The first bacon waffle! (and there was much rejoicing)

Serve immediately (can keep warm in a low oven while batches finish), topped with real maple syrup (none of that fake stuff, you pansies!) and butter if you dare. Be prepared for moans of ecstasy to escape the mouths of you and your loved ones. Make this for your date and he/she will imminently propose marriage, simply to have these waffles of love be a regular part of his or her meal schedule. Warning : Waffles-of-Love have been known to cause pregnancy in certain circumstances. Please practice safe syrup.

June 16, 2009

Very Rare Number Found:

Via NPR.org

A computer professional in Norway, with the help of an online computing project, has discovered a new Mersenne prime. This sought-after number represents the 47th Mersenne prime discovered since ancient Greek mathematicians first uncovered them.

These primes are called the "jewels" of number theory, and it takes a huge computing system about two or three weeks to test a single number to see if it could lead to a Mersenne prime.

For those of you for whom basic math is a distant memory, a reminder:

Primes are numbers that are divisible by only the number 1 and themselves. So 2 is prime; so are 3, 5, 7 and so on. The year 2003 was a prime year, and 2011 will be as well.

Not Just Any Prime. Mersenne primes are a special class of prime, and they have a particular formula.

The formula for finding Mersenne primes. The number n is a prime, and the result is prime. And what makes the Mersenne primes so interesting is how rare they are. And their gargantuan size.

Ancient Greek mathematicians were the first to describe Mersenne primes, and, up until now, only 46 had been discovered. This most recent one — though not the largest — is a whopper at nearly 13 million digits long.

It was found as part of the Great Internet Mersenne Prime Search, GIMPS. GIMPS involves tens of thousand of computers churning away, searching for new Mersenne primes.

In order to test potential primes, "not only do you have to multiply a 13 million digit number by a 13 million digit number, but you have to do that about 13 million times," says mathematician Chris Caldwell of the University of Tennessee.

"And that just takes a tremendous amount of computation."

When I first reported on the Great Internet Mersenne Prime Search last April 10, I exhorted NPR listeners to download the search software and join the effort.

The new Mersenne was discovered by someone who was already a prime hunter. Odd Magnar Strindmo from Melhus, Norway, has been part of GIMPS since it began in 1996.

Now, finding a new Mersenne prime is exciting all by itself, but it is especially exciting because of a bet I made with George Woltman, who runs the Great Internet Mersenne Prime Search. I bet the next one would be found before 2012, helped along by all those NPR listeners who I hoped would download the program.

Woltman emailed me saying he felt a little silly losing the bet so soon. But I have a confession to make. I meant the next largest one; the 47th Mersenne prime is actually 141,125 digits smaller than one that was discovered last year.

So I won on a technicality, and I'm willing to carry on the bet until the largest one is found. After all, we didn't bet any money, so I can afford to be magnanimous.

June 15, 2009

BaconCamp Comes to Columbus in August:

Via Columbus Underground

Bacon. It’s delicious. And we’d all eat a pile of it if no one was watching. It deserves to be celebrated.

Wild Goose Creative is the official Columbus location for the event that is sweeping the nation: BaconCamp! This delicious event is an ad-hoc gathering born from the desire for people to share and learn in an open environment about bacon. It is an intense event with discussions, demos and interaction from participants who are the main actors of the event. It is community driven and everyone is encouraged to participate by presenting (food, art, demo), judging, or volunteering.

We will be holding a Bacon Cooking contest and a Bacon Art/Craft contest. We will have prizes available from amazing Columbus vendors and restaurants, and illustrious judges from Rosendales, CMH Gourmand, Spindle Studios, and many more! If you are interested in submitting your Bacon Recipe or Bacon Art, please visit our Bacon Site here.

BaconCamp is not a spectator sport. Join us on August 1st from 2-6 at Wild Goose Creative! Bring your bacon food and art, wear your bacony best, and come ready to feast on beautiful bacon creations!

June 12, 2009

Chastity Bono Sex Change!

Alternative Health Journal

Chastity Bono, daughter of singers Sonny Bono & Cher will undergo a sex change operation in order to become a man, according to her publicist in a release on Thursday.

Chastity, also known as "Chaz" is proud of her decision to undergo a sex change and hopes that her actions will help change the public opinion of transgenders/transexuals.

Chaz came out of the closet and announced that she was a lesbian nearly 20 years ago so this decision is not a huge shocker to her friends and family.

Howard Bragman, Chastity's publicist, says that Chaz "is proud of his decision and grateful for the support and respect that has already been shown by loved ones."

The transformation will include hormone therapy and possible a surgery.

June 08, 2009

100 Year Old Is Loving It:

A Michigan woman has celebrated her 100th birthday at the same eatery she's visited regularly for the past 15 years - McDonald's.

Georgia Boynton stopped last week at the restaurant in Brighton for her customary hamburger and coffee. Instead, she got a surprise party with cake and balloons.

Restaurant manager Irene Burelle said that when staffers realized last year that Boynton was 99 they decided to do something special for her next birthday.

They made sure family members would bring her in for her birthday last Wednesday.

Boynton told the Livingston County Daily Press & Argus that she doesn't feel 100 years old. She said her longevity secret is loving her family and being happy.


June 04, 2009

Zombie Jesus Last Supper:

Explaining once and for all how Jesus managed to rise from the grave three days after his crucifixion:

He was infected with the Zombie virus.

Zombie Jesus Last Supper | SkullznEyez.com

Zombie Jesus Last Supper | SkullznEyez.com

Zombie Jesus Last Supper | SkullznEyez.com

Zombie Jesus Last Supper | SkullznEyez.com

Bakon Vodka Now Shipping:

"We love making our own flavored spirits at home, but properly capturing bacon is a bit of a challenge. Now, thanks to Seattle's Black Rock Spirits, we have Bakon Vodka! This is an unusual premium spirit with a familiar flavor; Bakon is the only vodka on the market that captures the meaty, peppery flavor of just-cooked bacon while maintaining a crisp, clean profile. Perfect for making a rich Bloody Mary, it also begs for experimentation with creative mixology."

Bakon Vodka

June 02, 2009

Student Arrested After Smoking Joint During Pro-Pot Essay At School:

Via kirotv.com

PURDY, Wash. -- A student presenting an essay at Peninsula High School in Purdy on Tuesday morning took out a marijuana joint, lit it, and began smoking it, police said.

According to Pierce County sheriff's detective Ed Troyer, the student smoked the joint during his essay supporting the legalization of marijuana.

He then finished his essay, sat down, finished smoking the joint and then ate the end after it was fully smoked.

The teacher of the class contacted the school resources officer, a Pierce County sheriff's deputy, who found a small residual amount of marijuana on the student, Troyer said.

The student, a 17-year-old junior with a 3.7 grade-point average, was arrested on charges of possession of marijuana by Pierce County deputies and booked into Remann Hall in Tacoma.