BACON SUSHI, my friends.
"So, I got this “build your own sushi” package last week and decided to combine the best of both worlds. I give the you… Bacon Sushi..."
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Ever wonder why the adhesive strip on envelopes couldn’t be just a tad more tasty (or at least not as gross)? The good people at J&D’s have finally figured out a way to help our taste buds and make closing envelopes an enjoyable—instead of an avoidable—task with their bacon-flavored envelopes, called Mmmvelopes.
These delicious bacon-flavored envelopes cost $6.99 for a pack of 25 or $14.99 for 3 packs of 25. Mmmvelopes are not made of real bacon, so they’re appropriate for non-pork and non-meat eaters.
These tasty bacon-flavored envelopes will make unique carriers for Christmas and birthday cards or anything else you have to mail because, really, who doesn’t love bacon?
On April 5, 1987, the FOX network debuted its first primetime series, an irreverent sitcom about a highly dysfunctional family called "Married... with Children" (followed by "The Tracey Ullman Show"). The series ran for 11 seasons and was a turning point in the careers of actors Ed O'Neill, Katey Sagal, and Christina Applegate. Plus, it would forever change the way we heard the Frank Sinatra-crooned theme song, "Love and Marriage."
This week, the final season of the series was released on DVD. In the words of Al Bundy, "Let's rock," while we take a walk down memory lane with the stars of "Married... with Children," then and now.
Before success with "Married... with Children," Ed O'Neill had spent his career doing a string of small film parts and TV appearances. While he was considered for such roles as Sam Malone on "Cheers" and Steven Keaton on "Family Ties," he ended up landing a part in the failed TV pilot "Popeye Doyle" and a cop role in the film "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane." Then he was cast as Al Bundy, and he hit it big at age 41.
Ed can currently be seen on the funniest new show of the season, "Modern Family," playing a not-so-warm-and-fuzzy husband, father, and granddad with a passion for toy airplanes... oops, we mean model airplanes. We're hoping this move wipes away the series of career missteps between "MWC" and "MF" that included "Big Apple," "Dragnet," and "John from Cincinnati."
Catherine Louise Sagal's younger sisters were famous before she was: they are best known as the Doublemint Twins and stars of the short-lived (and very wholesome) 1980s sitcom "Double Trouble." In the meantime, Katey Sagal built her career slowly, with regular TV guest appearances and stints as a backup singer for an eclectic slate of artists that included Bob Dylan, Bette Midler, and Gene Simmons. In 1985 she landed what must've seemed like her big break, starring alongside Mary Tyler Moore in the TV legend's new sitcom, "Mary." But even TV legends can have major misses, and "Mary" was canceled after just one season. That turned out to be good news for Sagal, as her next TV gig was that of anti-housewife Peg Bundy.
Katey has continued to act, most recently in a recurring role as domineering attorney Marci Klein on "Eli Stone" and as the motorcycle club mama on "Sons of Anarchy." From time to time she's returned to her music roots as well, with two solo CDs and a recent series of cabaret shows at a small club in Hollywood.
Three months was a good age for Christina Applegate. As an infant, she not only made her first commercial (for Playtex baby bottles) but also landed her first TV gig, on the soap opera "Days of Our Lives" (with her mother, Nancy Priddy). Her movie career kicked off before she was even a tween, with the 1981 horror flick "Jaws of Satan." From there, she worked the TV circuit, playing a young Grace Kelly in a TV biopic and appearing on "Charles in Charge," among other shows. But she didn't make it big until the ripe old age of 15, when she was cast as the ditzy and promiscuous Kelley Bundy on "Married... with Children."
No one spun "Married... with Children" into a successful career better than Christina Applegate. She's had two acclaimed (albeit short-lived) series, "Jesse" and "Samantha Who?," and she's appeared in such films as "The Sweetest Thing" and "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy." She even conquered the Broadway stage in 2005 as the Tony-nominated lead in a revival of "Sweet Charity" (despite a broken right foot that delayed her debut).
But in 2008 Applegate really saw how much her fans loved her with the outpouring of support that she received after being diagnosed with breast cancer. Now cancer-free and without a regular series, Christina is focusing her attention on her film career. She's got three movies due out in the next year: "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel," "Going the Distance," and the aptly named Everything Is Going to Be Just Fine," in which she is reportedly playing another TV legend, "Bewitched" star Elizabeth Montgomery.
David Faustino was just 13 years old when he landed the choice role of Bud Bundy on "Married... with Children." But it was far from his first gig. That one he nailed at age three months, playing Lily Tomlin's baby girl on a TV special. From there, he took on guest-starring parts on "Little House on the Prairie," "Trapper John, M.D.," and "Fantasy Island." But TV audiences would forever identify Faustino with Bud, the role they watched him grow up playing, even after the series ended in 1997.
Faustino has had the typical rocky road of many former child stars: a series of unimpressive follow-up parts, an inability to break away from the image of his most famous character, and a misdemeanor marijuana possession arrest in 2007. So he decided to take matters into his own hands, forming his own production company, FNB Entertainment, with "Parker Lewis Can't Lose" star Corin Nemec. Among their first projects was an Internet series called "Star-ving." In the Webisodes, Faustino starred as a caricatured version of himself - a down-and-out former child star who can't get a gig and who makes a meager living running a porn shop bequeathed to him by an obsessed fan. But life is not imitating art; Faustino and Nemec have three films in various stages of production.
Amanda Bearse already had a successful run on "All My Children," and had starred in such kitschy classic films as "Fright Night." But she became a household name when she took the role of Marcy Rhoades (ultimately Marcy D'Arcy) on "Married... with Children." Yet few give credit to the gay actress for coming out on TV 20 days before another GLAAD champion did. Ellen DeGeneres made TV history when her character announced she was a lesbian on the famous "Puppy Episode" of "Ellen" on April 30, 1997. But on April 10 of that year, Amanda took on the dual roles of her regular character, Marcy, and Marcy's lesbian cousin, Mandy, on the episode "Lez Be Friends."
Besides a handful of acting roles, Amanda has stayed behind the camera since "Married... with Children" ended. She honed her craft while helming more than 30 episodes of "MWC" and has since directed a variety of series, including "Dharma and Greg," "MADtv," "The Big Gay Sketch Show," and her former co-star Christina Applegate's sitcom "Jesse."
David Garrison had done some TV acting prior to taking the part of Marcy's husband Steve Rhodes on "Married... with Children," most notably as Jason Bateman's con artist foil in the sitcom "It's Your Move." But Garrison was far more established in live theater. He'd appeared on and off Broadway in "A History of the American Film," "Torch Song Trilogy," and "A Day in Hollywood/A Night in the Ukraine," for which he received a Tony nomination. And, although he enjoyed working on the irreverent sitcom, he missed the theater and asked to be let out of his contract in 1990 to return to the stage.
Garrison did go back to the theater after "Married... with Children," but he continued to act on TV as well. While he never stuck with another series for long, he made appearances on the shows "Nikki" (co-starring with his former TV wife, Amanda Bearse), "The Practice," and "The West Wing." He's also continued to pursue his passion for musical theater in productions of "Titanic," "Bells Are Ringing," and "Wicked."
When her first husband, Steve Rhodes, left her to become a ranger at Yosemite National Park, Marcy quickly scooped up a younger, better looking but incredibly lazy husband named Jefferson D'Arcy. The actor who played him was no stranger to joining an already established show. Ted McGinley has actually been referred to as the "Patron Saint of Shark Jumping," having joined the casts of several hit shows at their critical turning points, including "The Love Boat," "Happy Days," and "Dynasty." But while he lasted only two years on "The Love Boat" and "Dynasty," and four on "Happy Days," McGinley brought incredibly good luck to "Married... with Children." The series ran another seven seasons with Ted in the cast.
Not long after "Married... with Children" wrapped, Ted briefly appeared on the series "SportsNight" and then joined the guest star circuit on a slew of shows, including "The West Wing" and "The Practice." But in 2003, he found a new sitcom family when he was cast as Faith Ford's husband on "Hope and Faith." The show ran for three seasons, then Ted was back on the street looking for work. His feet took him all the way to the "Dancing with the Stars" stage, where he was eliminated second. But, as always, his unemployment was short lived. Look for him later this year in the feature film "Privileged."
Why don't they just ignore you?
Most of them do. I'd say only 10% of people I write to write back.
What is with all the different names you use?
They are all me, just different e-mail accounts.
HEY! I recognize myself in one of these e-mails, you prick!
No you don't. You're wrong. Go away.
Why are a lot of these e-mails sexist?
It seems to piss the women off more. I'm not really sexist or racist, but I still find it hilarious.
How can I contact you?
Put up a classified ad, and try to sound like an idiot. I'll find you.
No seriously. I want to give you money.
In that case, email@example.com. I'll try to respond, but I do get a lot of e-mails so don't think I am a jerk if I don't."
And here are some samples, enjoy!
litter of 6 kittens up for adoption! they are all 3 weeks old and are looking for a good home. contact if interested.
From Mike Hunt to *********@***********.org
I am interested in taking all six kittens off of your hands. How much do you want for them?
From Shannon ******* to Me
Are you going to take care of all of these kittens? I want to make sure they all find a good home, and was expecting to sell them one at a time. Are you able to house all six of them?
From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******
To be honest, I own a pet Bengal Tiger and he is on a strict diet of cats. I usually feed him one cat every couple of days, so this litter should hold him over for a while. Don't worry though, I'll take good care of the kittens until I feed them to him.
From Shannon ******* to Me
That is horrible! You will not get a single kitten from me. I really hope you are not serious.
From Mike Hunt to Shannon *******
I was kidding. I seriously need all six kittens though. Disregard anything I said about a tiger.
From Shannon ******* to Me
Brown Sugar Bacon Waffles.
Do I have your attention yet? Yes, that’s right, I said waffles, and bacon, and brown sugar, and ohmygod! So back when I lived in North Carolina, there was a popular breakfast joint in my town named Elmo’s Diner. On their large menu of breakfasty-goodness there was one item that never failed to take my breath away – the bacon-waffle. Just finishing one of these monstrosities of deliciousness was a difficult task, once properly slathered with butter and real maple syrup. Yes, my friends, it is a heart attack on a platter, an untimely (but scrumptious!) early death just waiting to happen… and I loved him. It was a love that dare not speak its name – the kind of guilty pleasure indulgence food straight from the fatty-food-lovin’-Paula-Deen-butter-guzzlin’-southern-nation. You try and hate on it, but in the end you just can’t… because you’re too full.
Since moving away, there have been many things I’ve missed, and that bacon waffle is one of them. Since recently purchasing a Belgian-waffle iron, I’ve been obsessed with the idea of recreating this masterpiece. My first attempt was okay – decent tasting waffle (if a bit heavy), and delicious bacon crumbles. It definitely satisfied, but it wasn’t the kind of gluttonous, beautiful meal I remembered. So what do I usually do in the face of such a challenge? Go to the interwebz, of course! A bunch of googling later, I had some contender recipes, but none that really called to me with the promise of that long lost waffle of love. Until I found this one. The title, the pictures… I was sold. “I must make these,” I said, “and they will be awesome.”
Next step? Tracking down the best possible bacon available for this noble enterprise. I recently discovered a little butcher shop down the street from my work that puts out some of the best meat products I’ve seen in years. On splurge-nights, the boy toy and I get ourselves a big honkin’ rib eye (I’m talkin’ the couple-inches-thick kind) and proceed to have a steak better than a lot of restaurants I’ve been to recently. Their smoked products are out of this freakin’ world, and I was overwhelmed with joy upon finding they offered bacon in both hickory and apple wood smoked varieties. I scurried home with a pound of some of the most beautiful, thick-cut bacon I’ve ever had the pleasure to own or eat (hickory, in this instance).
What intrigued/thrilled me the most about this particular bacon-waffle recipe was the semi-candying of the bacon itself under a veil of brown sugar. It seemed, to the imaginary taste buds in my head, to be a great way to incorporate that sweet-salty-meaty-hot combo I love so dearly. So, like any recipe I stumble across, I made a few adjustments and plunged right in:
Brown Sugar Bacon Waffles
(adapted from Joy the Baker)
Step One: cut a hole in the box… um, er, I mean prepare the candied bacon!
The original recipe says to use 10 slices of bacon – which I did – but mine were so thick and luscious, I had to make a few adjustments in the baking time. My 10 slices were just shy of a whole pound, but ymmv depending on the brand and thickness of your bacon.
Lay your bacon out in a baking pan of some sort, with a tall enough edge to contain all the fat that will render off without splashing when moved. In order to fit in my pan I had to overlap the pieces a bit – this is okay. Sprinkle the top of your bacon layer generously with the following mixture:
Bake this lovely concoction in a preheated 375-degree oven for 20-30 minutes, again based on the thickness of your bacon. Mine took 30 minutes, while the original recipe called for only 20. I suggest checking it at 20 minutes and adding more time as necessary. You want the bacon to look crisp but not burned. Immediately transfer out of the greasy sugar sludge with tongs to a cutting board to cool (don’t use paper towels for draining – the bacon will stick!). Once cool, chop it into happy bits of a size amenable to the chef (too big and they will make your waffle iron difficult to close, so be wary). Make sure to eat a few to make sure that they are okay… then a few more… oh crap, remember to save some for the waffles!
Now the waffle batter!
In a large bowl combine flour, cornstarch, baking powder, baking soda, salt and brown sugar (if using powdered buttermilk substitute, add it here to the dry ingredients). Whisk to blend. In a medium bowl, whisk together eggs, oil, buttermilk (or water, if using powdered buttermilk) and vanilla extract. Add the wet ingredients to the dry ingredients and fold. Once almost fully incorporated, add the bacon bites. Stir. Try not to over mix the batter or the waffles will become tough. It’s ok if a few lumps remain in the batter.
Cook according to your waffle machine instructions. Generally, you should watch the steam coming off of your iron – when it starts to slow down or stop, your waffle is probably ready. It can take a while to get through all the batter – I made at least 8 Belgian-waffle sized lovelies from my batch (hard to count when they keep getting eaten). What should you do to pass the time while your waffles are cooking? Well, if you’re me, you start eating waffles! And drink beer, that’s always a good choice (it pairs very nicely with both waffles and pancakes, I’ve found). In desperate times, get out a laser-pointer and make your cat run in circles around the kitchen floor. That’s always good for a laugh! Next thing you know, your waffle will be done!
Serve immediately (can keep warm in a low oven while batches finish), topped with real maple syrup (none of that fake stuff, you pansies!) and butter if you dare. Be prepared for moans of ecstasy to escape the mouths of you and your loved ones. Make this for your date and he/she will imminently propose marriage, simply to have these waffles of love be a regular part of his or her meal schedule. Warning : Waffles-of-Love have been known to cause pregnancy in certain circumstances. Please practice safe syrup.